[ For now, he does nothing other than go and make himself comfortable in the same armchair he'd occupied earlier, watching her and waiting for her to begin. ]
[Sheena takes a seat near him and gives him a sincere look before beginning.]
First, I want to be sure that you know I don't hold any type of grudge against you for what happened. Some things are a little fuzzy, but I know you did what you had to do to save others.
And I wouldn't want it any other way.
[her voice is stern and convincing--something hard to achieve with the written word.]
[ The first impulse that Barnaby has is to protest, but he knows that it won't do him much good. It hadn't earlier, either. But he's still not okay with being able to kill anyone on any level. Delivering justice is completely different to this feeling, and he doesn't know how he's supposed to react to it. ]
... Before now, I'd never killed anyone before.
[ The statement comes out before he can stop it. ]
I'm a defender of the people. Taking lives isn't anything I ever imagined myself doing, even if it is for the greater good.
[Sheena's eyes widen slightly. Coming from a world where killing someone is a real possibility every time a person left their home, she had never thought other worlds weren't like that.
For a long time, she's silent as she takes this in before responding.]
I see. I really am so sorry for putting you through that.
From what I understand, there is a very large possibility it would have happened here sooner or later. I don't blame you in any way. I suppose this is COMPASS's way of forcing me to face my fears.
I've been a victim of COMPASS for a long time now; I should have seen this coming and done something about it. [What she could have done then, she doesn't know, but she should have at least been given the chance to warn him...]
This has nothing to do with facing fears. This has everything to do with COMPASS playing whatever games they want to play with us. They're not helping us; they're tormenting us for kicks!
[There's real anger in her voice, but she's not at a breaking point-- YET.]
It isn't your place to apologise for something that was out of your control.
[ If anyone should be apologising here, it was their captors. But Barnaby isn't naive - he knows that there's no way any of them are going to get an apology from people like that. So there's no point in saying it, even if he hopes that she won't take the burden upon herself, or think that it's her fault. ]
They may be playing games with us, but it isn't something that we can predict. We only know that, based on their past behaviour, they will continue to act in this way, not what they will do. How were you to know that they may try and do something like that?
There is nothing anyone could have done to prevent this.
[ Which makes him feel all the more powerless, but he doesn't say as much. ]
[She looks at him for a long moment, before leaning closer and watching him, wanting him to look her in the eye.]
Then why are you doing it?
[Her tone is soft and not accusing. They had both been doing the same thing: apologizing for things they had no choice in. However, she knows herself and while she may not say it aloud, she'll never stop thinking that there had to be something she should have noticed and stopped to be able to prevent the suffering of not only the man in front of her, but others as well.]
They are playing games. And using us for experiments. [She sighs.] And we may not know exactly what they'll do, but that shouldn't stop us from trying to figure out all possibilities.
[And that's what's bugging her. They weren't given enough time to get any information, and probably never will be.]
Because what I did isn't exactly something I can easily forgive myself for.
[ Finally he does meet her gaze, though, even if he's not entirely sure he'll be able to hide his emotions well this way. Not that he's been able to manage it completely either way, so far. ]
We can try and predict what they're going to do next, we can see if there are any patterns in their behaviour, but regardless, what they do is never our fault nor our responsibility.
[ Which may seem like a contradiction, based on what he's saying about his own actions... ]
[And that's exactly how Sheena takes his words: as a contradiction. She's ready to yell at him when she sees what he's been trying to hide from her in his gaze.
He's in pain, and the last thing he needs is for her to add to his suffering, but she doesn't know what she can do to alleviate it without telling him over and over that she forgives him. Then an idea occurs to her. She's a believer in actions speaking louder than words, so maybe if she shows him?]
Barnaby...
[She begins speaking as she moves to in front of him, giving the appearance that she's going to be even more direct with him. And in a way, she truly is, as without anything else being said, she wraps her arms about him to pull him into a hug. She's only done this with animals and children, and maybe a certain blond Chosen from Sylvarant, so it's a bit awkward on her part.
[ It may be awkward to some extent, but even Barnaby can appreciate the value of physical comfort. He’s starting to learn that it’s not something to be so ashamed of. It had helped Ivan when he’d needed someone, and in turn it had helped Barnaby too.
Now wasn’t really that different. He was prone to seeking it out in times of desperation; this likely counted as one of those times. Not that the hug was expected, given that he’d thought himself in for a scolding, so the change of pace wasn’t something he’d anticipated.
For a few moments he didn’t seem sure how to react to her at all, but in the end he found himself returning the embrace. Normally he wouldn’t, but there were some moments where people simply needed some comfort. It had been like this when Kotetsu had come back from the dead, and with Ivan when he was hurting. Now it was Barnaby that needed it. ]
[The longer he takes to respond, the more Sheena thinks hugging him had been a mistake. After all, they barely know each other, and she's not used to doing things like this with adults, so perhaps she had misread the situation and should have continued berating him.
No. Something deep inside her tells her that would have been the wrong thing to do. This man had been forced to go against his principles here, give in to one of his fears. Words--no matter how loudly spoken--aren't going to help him through this. A physical touch, the supreme display of acceptance and assistance is what's needed.
Still, she's on the verge of releasing him and apologizing for her actions when he finally accepts and returns the hug. This is what he had needed--what they both had needed, although she hasn't quite realized it yet--and the young ninja remains were she is, unknowingly starting a gentle rocking the longer they hold each other.
Wishing she could do more to ease his pain, she holds him tighter and places one hand on his head, lightly running her hand over his hair in a soothing manner.]
[ That was something she was right about, that it would be difficult to get through to Barnaby with words alone. Words were something that could easily be ignored, twisted, or even discarded if one was in such a frame of mind, and while it wasn’t personal, sometimes there were things that he simply didn’t want to hear or comprehend. But him not being used to such physical contact made it all the easier for Barnaby to be taken by surprise by it, and to take into account what it meant.
By this, he could only ascertain that she meant what she was saying – that she truly didn’t hold it against him. It was easy to say that she didn’t, but actions were another matter entirely. She could have avoided him or not bothered to come and see him at all, preferring her distance. None of that had come true.
Finally, he seems to start to relax somewhat, some of the tension draining out of him. If he closes his eyes and lets himself think, it reminds him of being held and soothed by his mother when he was younger. Relying on another for that kind of comfort… given the situation, is it really so bad? ]
[Sheena knew all too well that actions spoke more eloquently than words, which was why she had chosen to come to him in person. She felt he needed to see that she meant what she was saying in person; it had never occurred that perhaps he needed to feel it as well, that the truth she spoke was made tangible just by the simple act of wrapping her arms about him in a show of comfort and trust and friendship.
And that was the key: Sheena still trusted this man, and still called him "friend". And if the ninja was nothing else, she was loyal and protective of her friends, wanting to prevent whatever hurt they might face, and relieving any pain they might suffer.
And even when she felt him relax, Sheena rested her head gently against his and continued rocking and holding him, and would for however long Barnaby needed.
[ Eventually Barnaby does come back to his senses, though how long it takes him, he’s not quite sure. Whenever it happens, it seems as though he’s needed every moment of it. He lifts his head to look at her finally, still not sure what he should be saying despite all the time he’d just had to think of something appropriate. Perhaps once again, it’s not the words that are so important, but their actions.
Whatever the case, he’s still quiet for a few moments longer, before finally speaking up. ]
… Thank you.
[ For believing in him, for forgiving him when he didn’t think that he rightly deserved it and wasn’t even sure that he could forgive himself. Perhaps now he finally could. Not immediately, but time did a good job of healing those wounds of his sometimes. ]
[Except for the rocking and motion of her hand over his hair, Sheena hadn't moved. She has no idea how long they've been sitting like this, either. And to be frightfully honest, she really doesn't care. She'll stay with Barnaby for however long he needs her.
Feeling him stir, she finally turns her head to look at him, a gentle, questioning smile gracing her features.]
You're welcome, Barnaby.
[And not just now. Any time he needs to talk or comfort, he's welcome to come to her. Time may heal all wounds, but sometimes it needs a little help along the way.]
[ It’s not easy for Barnaby to confide in others, even when they’ve shared a similar experience. Even that isn’t entirely true – he knows that what happened to Sheena was far worse than anything that he’d had to go through on that ship. The fact that she had been able to forgive him, however, spoke highly of his character – and he thought that, perhaps, he’d finally be able to start forgiving himself.
And somehow, he found himself able to give her a small smile in turn, barely there though it was. It was a start. ]
[Sheena's the same way--keeping things bottled up and hidden away so people won't worry about her; although that's not why she's forgiven Barnaby. She truly feels that he had done the right thing in order to keep with his principle of protecting others. Now he just has to forgive himself.
She isn't totally unscathed by what had happened, but she feels that Barnaby has suffered worse than she has--by doing the very thing he had never done before. Not once, but twice...
And to the same person.
She can only imagine how hard that must be for him, but her worries are abated slightly at the appearance of that smile. It's small, almost hidden by the angle of his head, but it's honest, and it's there, and it gives her the feeling that his healing has truly begun.
And once more, the ninja envelops him in an embrace, hopefully giving that healing the boost it needs.]
[ Forgiving himself is always a slow process. Barnaby has been through this process many times before, both for issues more and less severe than this one. One would think that he would have learned by now how important it was to forgive himself and to be able to move past the issues that have arisen as a result, but apparently he wasn’t quite at that stage yet.
This did help, however, and he was grateful for it. Even if he wasn’t particularly good at expressing such sentiments, it still meant a lot to Barnaby even if he didn’t know how to say as much. It didn’t matter. The way that he leaned into her again and let her hold him would hopefully say it for him all the same. ]
[Sheena knows how tough forgiving anyone can be--yourself being the hardest because that's the one person you can never avoid. And whose eyes know the truth better than anyone else's. Once you can get past those eyes, however, the road to forgiveness becomes easier.
And it's even easier when there's someone there to help you along--something Sheena had learned by experience and wanted to pass along to Barnaby. So, when she feels him lean into her again, she responds to his display if gratitude by tightening her hold and resuming her rocking.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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You didn't have to turn that off; the music is pretty.
[She approaches him.]
But I did have to come here. And talk to you face-to-face.
[And prove that everything was all right between them. Among other things...]
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[ If she really didn't mind, he'd be happy to put it back on later, but for the moment this took precedence. ]
I see... [ He pauses. ] What would you like to discuss?
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Maybe it would be...
[She gestures towards the chair.]
It might also be easier to talk if we sit down, so have a seat.
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[ For now, he does nothing other than go and make himself comfortable in the same armchair he'd occupied earlier, watching her and waiting for her to begin. ]
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[Sheena takes a seat near him and gives him a sincere look before beginning.]
First, I want to be sure that you know I don't hold any type of grudge against you for what happened. Some things are a little fuzzy, but I know you did what you had to do to save others.
And I wouldn't want it any other way.
[her voice is stern and convincing--something hard to achieve with the written word.]
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... Before now, I'd never killed anyone before.
[ The statement comes out before he can stop it. ]
I'm a defender of the people. Taking lives isn't anything I ever imagined myself doing, even if it is for the greater good.
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For a long time, she's silent as she takes this in before responding.]
I see. I really am so sorry for putting you through that.
[And oh, how she wishes she can take it back.]
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[ He shakes his head. ]
From what I understand, there is a very large possibility it would have happened here sooner or later. I don't blame you in any way. I suppose this is COMPASS's way of forcing me to face my fears.
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[She sighs.]
I've been a victim of COMPASS for a long time now; I should have seen this coming and done something about it. [What she could have done then, she doesn't know, but she should have at least been given the chance to warn him...]
This has nothing to do with facing fears. This has everything to do with COMPASS playing whatever games they want to play with us. They're not helping us; they're tormenting us for kicks!
[There's real anger in her voice, but she's not at a breaking point-- YET.]
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[ If anyone should be apologising here, it was their captors. But Barnaby isn't naive - he knows that there's no way any of them are going to get an apology from people like that. So there's no point in saying it, even if he hopes that she won't take the burden upon herself, or think that it's her fault. ]
They may be playing games with us, but it isn't something that we can predict. We only know that, based on their past behaviour, they will continue to act in this way, not what they will do. How were you to know that they may try and do something like that?
There is nothing anyone could have done to prevent this.
[ Which makes him feel all the more powerless, but he doesn't say as much. ]
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Then why are you doing it?
[Her tone is soft and not accusing. They had both been doing the same thing: apologizing for things they had no choice in. However, she knows herself and while she may not say it aloud, she'll never stop thinking that there had to be something she should have noticed and stopped to be able to prevent the suffering of not only the man in front of her, but others as well.]
They are playing games. And using us for experiments. [She sighs.] And we may not know exactly what they'll do, but that shouldn't stop us from trying to figure out all possibilities.
[And that's what's bugging her. They weren't given enough time to get any information, and probably never will be.]
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[ Finally he does meet her gaze, though, even if he's not entirely sure he'll be able to hide his emotions well this way. Not that he's been able to manage it completely either way, so far. ]
We can try and predict what they're going to do next, we can see if there are any patterns in their behaviour, but regardless, what they do is never our fault nor our responsibility.
[ Which may seem like a contradiction, based on what he's saying about his own actions... ]
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He's in pain, and the last thing he needs is for her to add to his suffering, but she doesn't know what she can do to alleviate it without telling him over and over that she forgives him. Then an idea occurs to her. She's a believer in actions speaking louder than words, so maybe if she shows him?]
Barnaby...
[She begins speaking as she moves to in front of him, giving the appearance that she's going to be even more direct with him. And in a way, she truly is, as without anything else being said, she wraps her arms about him to pull him into a hug. She's only done this with animals and children, and maybe a certain blond Chosen from Sylvarant, so it's a bit awkward on her part.
But that doesn't make it any less sincere.]
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Now wasn’t really that different. He was prone to seeking it out in times of desperation; this likely counted as one of those times. Not that the hug was expected, given that he’d thought himself in for a scolding, so the change of pace wasn’t something he’d anticipated.
For a few moments he didn’t seem sure how to react to her at all, but in the end he found himself returning the embrace. Normally he wouldn’t, but there were some moments where people simply needed some comfort. It had been like this when Kotetsu had come back from the dead, and with Ivan when he was hurting. Now it was Barnaby that needed it. ]
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No. Something deep inside her tells her that would have been the wrong thing to do. This man had been forced to go against his principles here, give in to one of his fears. Words--no matter how loudly spoken--aren't going to help him through this. A physical touch, the supreme display of acceptance and assistance is what's needed.
Still, she's on the verge of releasing him and apologizing for her actions when he finally accepts and returns the hug. This is what he had needed--what they both had needed, although she hasn't quite realized it yet--and the young ninja remains were she is, unknowingly starting a gentle rocking the longer they hold each other.
Wishing she could do more to ease his pain, she holds him tighter and places one hand on his head, lightly running her hand over his hair in a soothing manner.]
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By this, he could only ascertain that she meant what she was saying – that she truly didn’t hold it against him. It was easy to say that she didn’t, but actions were another matter entirely. She could have avoided him or not bothered to come and see him at all, preferring her distance. None of that had come true.
Finally, he seems to start to relax somewhat, some of the tension draining out of him. If he closes his eyes and lets himself think, it reminds him of being held and soothed by his mother when he was younger. Relying on another for that kind of comfort… given the situation, is it really so bad? ]
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And that was the key: Sheena still trusted this man, and still called him "friend". And if the ninja was nothing else, she was loyal and protective of her friends, wanting to prevent whatever hurt they might face, and relieving any pain they might suffer.
And even when she felt him relax, Sheena rested her head gently against his and continued rocking and holding him, and would for however long Barnaby needed.
She wasn't going anywhere.]
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Whatever the case, he’s still quiet for a few moments longer, before finally speaking up. ]
… Thank you.
[ For believing in him, for forgiving him when he didn’t think that he rightly deserved it and wasn’t even sure that he could forgive himself. Perhaps now he finally could. Not immediately, but time did a good job of healing those wounds of his sometimes. ]
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Feeling him stir, she finally turns her head to look at him, a gentle, questioning smile gracing her features.]
You're welcome, Barnaby.
[And not just now. Any time he needs to talk or comfort, he's welcome to come to her. Time may heal all wounds, but sometimes it needs a little help along the way.]
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And somehow, he found himself able to give her a small smile in turn, barely there though it was. It was a start. ]
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She isn't totally unscathed by what had happened, but she feels that Barnaby has suffered worse than she has--by doing the very thing he had never done before. Not once, but twice...
And to the same person.
She can only imagine how hard that must be for him, but her worries are abated slightly at the appearance of that smile. It's small, almost hidden by the angle of his head, but it's honest, and it's there, and it gives her the feeling that his healing has truly begun.
And once more, the ninja envelops him in an embrace, hopefully giving that healing the boost it needs.]
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This did help, however, and he was grateful for it. Even if he wasn’t particularly good at expressing such sentiments, it still meant a lot to Barnaby even if he didn’t know how to say as much. It didn’t matter. The way that he leaned into her again and let her hold him would hopefully say it for him all the same. ]
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And it's even easier when there's someone there to help you along--something Sheena had learned by experience and wanted to pass along to Barnaby. So, when she feels him lean into her again, she responds to his display if gratitude by tightening her hold and resuming her rocking.
He was very welcome.]